The Vulnerability of Falling in Love
Over the last 15 months I’ve felt things I had never felt before. I fell in love with the woman of my dreams and signed up for everything that comes with it.
I’ve learned that there is nothing more vulnerable than getting emotionally butt-naked with another person. I also learned that doing so is essential if you want to build and sustain a healthy relationship, and connect at the deepest of levels.
Falling in love has been the best adventure yet, but it also opened me up in ways that ways I was totally uncomfortable with. It showed me where I was still a little boy, emotionally.
Suddenly I had a full plate of inner-homework to do. The contrast of experiencing the most beautiful feelings I’ve ever felt, while simultaneously opening up wounds I’d forgotten about – or didn’t even know existed can feel like a rollercoaster.
I’ve never given so much of myself away to someone. It’s kinda like reaching into your chest, taking out your whole heart, and handing it to another person — trusting that they will handle it with care. As vulnerable as it gets. I’ve never been the jealous type, but damn all of the sudden, I found myself becoming overly attached to someone’s attention, for the first time.
I remember the day where I became hyper-aware that she chose me. For the first time ever, I found myself feeling threatened by how beautiful my girlfriend is and how she lights up every room she walks in. At first, I was hard on myself for feeling this way. But through introspection, I realized this perceived threat was a projection of my own insecurity and self-doubt — the same insecurities that quietly sabotaged me in other aspects of my life when in my teen and early college years.
I had intrusive thoughts that I wasn’t good enough or that, eventually, she’d see that too. I also found myself projecting guilt from my first relationship, one that was ten years ago — the one where I cheated, lied, and broke a girl’s heart. I vowed to myself that I’d never put someone through something like that again, and as my current relationship deepened, I felt irrational fears of being abandoned or betrayed — which I discovered to be projections of guilt that I was still holding onto from an entire decade ago.
I started recognizing guilt trying to creep in, just for thinking this way, because my partner has been nothing short of incredible in seeing me, celebrating me, showing up for me, and being faithful to me.
Guilt is truly a destructive force.
But that’s the thing about having an incredible partner; a woman who is the walking talking definition of love. A woman who creates a safe space for you to open up and be honest about how you are feeling. A woman who fosters an environment nurtured by curiosity, acceptance, and compassion. A woman who wants to know the deepest layers of your struggles to help you through them. A woman who thanks you for having the courage to keep it real and sees the potential in you, sometimes even before you do — affirming it as you actualize it in real time.
Every time I’ve had the courage to speak up, It’s always been healing. It’s always allowed for us to connect deeper. It’s always made our bond exponentially stronger.
To my fellas out there, I challenge you to get real with your partner. And by getting real I mean:
Take the time needed to address and sit with your feelings of insecurity, doubt, guilt, and shame when those feelings arise. Take the necessary time to revisit the scenes where those wounds took place. Self-awareness is the first step to developing emotional intelligence.
Communicate to your partner that you have been dealing with these feelings and that you’d like to talk through them. Real strength is being willing to get vulnerable. Real connection knows that it’s you and your partner against the problem.
Have the courage to let it all out. Feel the weight lift as your truth sets you free. Feel the bond between you and your partner strengthen as you work through it together.
Thank her for showing up for you. Gratitude is the evidence of healing. Return the favor by creating a safe space for her to share her wounds and scars with you.
You’ll know it’s real if you get to step 4.
Gabe
